travelling to see the ex…

OnlyDads gets asked the same question time and time again!

The question (in general) goes like this…

…my ex sees the children once every other weekend. Why is it always me who does the ferrying round? Shouldn’t she find the money and make the effort to do the picking up and dropping off?!

We have noticed (as finances become tighter) that this is becoming a real issue for more and more single parents. I can relate to this.

I’m going to get a bit personal here…but when my ex asked if I could pick the girls up from her house the other weekend rather than drop them off herself, my immediate thoughts were “why the hell should I?”. It was on reflection afterwards that I realised that my initial  reaction had more to do with other, much longer term frustrations, than the act of jumping into the car and fetching my D’s back home.

I recognise now, having spoken to a few Dads about the issue, that this is just another example of how ongoing relationships with the ex can too often not run smoothly. 

I just wonder if as part of the divorce and separation process more thought and input needs to be given to this issue. And to see if anyone else feels that same sense of frustration that so many of the OnlyDads site users do, and how they deal with it. Would be interested to hear your views…

 

 

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About onlydads

Single Dad living near Totnes in Devon. I founded www.onlydads.org in 2007 and live with my daughters Priya, 14 and Anya 11. I write about single parenting, work, overcoming trials and tribulations and sometimes not overcoming trials and tribulations.
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7 Responses to travelling to see the ex…

  1. farmerdadof2 says:

    I’m having a similar issue, and it’s driving me insane.
    Whenever my boys mother has them for a visit, I have to pack a bag of clothes – that doesn’t bother me, though she should certainly have clothes for them there.
    What drives me crazy is that along with the clothes, I have to pack bedding, quilts etc.
    The boys mother has been having them on & off, usually just an overnight around once a fortnight, for almost a year, yet she STILL has not gotten bedding for them when they’re staying!..
    Is this normal or is it just one more way to irritate me? It probably isn’t just to irritate me, it’s most likely because she’s just a hopeless cause. But still. FRUSTRATING.

    • onlydads says:

      …don’t get me started on clothes!!

      It is difficult because the sense of frustration is real. I’m of the “grin and bear it” school, but I know many Dads who would not pack bedding or clothes!

      No easy answers…

      Bob

  2. Nick Hodge says:

    As the absent parent I do all the collecting and delivering, even though I live within walking distance of my ex. I find a bigger problem is not knowing where I am expected to collect or return to, owing to her mum’s social circs.

    I wonder how much of the problem is down to a feeling of loss of control over my actions. Should I adjust my thought process towards just enjoying time with my daughter without feeling my ex is getting one up on me?

    • onlydads says:

      …should you adjust your thought process…that question is a whole post in itself!!

      How about you writing it…I would love to comment on that particular question :-)

      Bob

  3. Our arrangement can cause resentment because of the way it seems skewed in favour of my Stepdaughter’s dad. On a Friday night, he gets the train home from work, which goes through our nearest station so I get take her onto the platform to liaise with her dad. Fair enough. But then on Sunday either me or my wife has to go and get her, so in fact, my SD’s dad doesn’t do any driving whatsoever. It gets my goat but doesn’t get the wife’s so we’ve just gotta suck it up because it ain’t going to change.

    • onlydads says:

      Do you know what pal…that gets my goat as well!

      Surely he could put a bit more effort in?? No?!

      Bob

  4. My daughter’s live with my ex. For my weekends, I travel to both collect and return them. During holidays, the person who is ‘on duty’ collects from school and then delivers to the other parent mid way through, and they in turn deliver at the end of the holiday.

    Clothes is an interesting issue, as I’ve found out! If you’re a weekend only parent, I’ve found that the kids grow out of clothes in double quick time and so much gets wasted. I buy the girls clothes and send them back with them. They do have to pack a small bag for the couple of nights each weekend they’re with me, but it’s no biggie. I have all the other essential like jammies, teddies, toothbrushes, hair stuff etc etc.

    I once met a man on the sleeper train from Glasgow to London. His ex wife had moved there with their daughter. Almost every second weekend he slept on the way down on a Friday, took her out on the Saturday, stayed in a B+B overnight Saturday, played with her on a Sunday, and then caught the sleeper back to work overnight. All at his expense.

    And just a quickie about thought processes :
    If you are willing and able to adjust your thought processes it goes a very long way to relieving your own frustrations :) If you can and don’t, then you are poisoning yourself and really, who wants that?!

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