Running OnlyDads has of course brought me into contact with many lone fathers. Most talk of their sense of isolation – which in turn – can very quickly lead to a lack of self-esteem. Here, we have asked Doug Haines of the London School of Attraction to offer us men some tips on overcoming shyness with women.
In my opinion, the bulk of men’s issues with feeling shy around women emanate from their lack of self-worth. I have formulated a lot of my ideas from a book called Advanced Selling Strategies by a guy called Brain Tracy. Sales and attracting women don’t sound like obvious bedfellows, but when reading Tracy’s book you realise that success in both fields is largely dependent on confidence.
I am going to focus on an area that Tracy calls self-concept. Self-concept refers to the “bundle of beliefs you have about yourself and the world”. It governs what you feel you “deserve” out of life. We all have a self-concept and we have individual self-concepts for areas of our lives such as health, wealth and relationships. So your relationship self-concept will inform how you feel about:
How many women a guy like you will date.
How attractive the women a man like you will date.
To what extent women like you and how well they react to you.
It is vitally important that you raise your self-concept where possible as a low self-concept forever imposes a ceiling on your potential achievements. If you have a low self-concept about women and relationships, then you are bound to feel nervous around them; you’ll feel out of your depth and out of your league. You’ll feel like you don’t deserve the very best women.
Fortunately there are ways to raise your self-concept. To explain, let me break it down further into three constituent parts:
Self-ideal: What you aspire to be like- this largely takes the form of people you look up to, admire and want to emulate.
Self-image: This is like a mirror- it is how you see yourself.
Self- esteem: How much you like yourself it is determined by how closely your self-image and your self-ideal match.
What You Need to Do
In order to develop confidence, and thus reduce shyness, make your self-ideal match your self-image as much as possible. Rather than trying to live up to someone else’s ideal, list all of things YOU think you should be doing. Here is an example from my life of how my self-ideal would manifest itself. I picture myself:
Getting up early (7am every day).
Exercising five times a week.
Being upbeat and positive with everyone I meet.
Trying my best to help other people.
Working hard and remaining focussed.
Seeing the positive in every situation.
Remaining calm in very situation.
Treating people with respect.
Taking some leisure time each day.
Staying in contact with my friends.
Going to say hello to a girl if I think she is attractive.
This is the person I aspire to be. I don’t always meet these standards, only today I lost my temper with a wireless router! But I try. When something difficult happens and I still act in the way I’d like, my self-esteem grows a little. When I act in a way that is opposed to this list my self-esteem is lowered.
Building self-esteem isn’t dependent on the circumstances. If I am feeling low and unhappy I can still take the time to give a kind word to a friend – this behaviour matches my self-image and so increases my self-esteem. If I were to lose my temper, my self-esteem would suffer.
Every day you have a chance to build up how you feel about yourself by meeting the high standards you set. So think about the person you want to be, being as specific as you can. Then make a concerted effort to adhere to these actions every day. You’ll soon find that feeling confident around women starts to take care of itself.
There are lots of other articles on how men can boost their confidence on the London School of Attraction website and for those who are considering dating again, please do visit our own on-line dating service.